never find beautiful (i've made so many mistakes)
by Someone aka Me
Summary: Dudley and Piers take a long time to get their shit together. For Amber.


For Amber, who reminded me how much I love this ship.

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Assignment: Muggle History 12 - James Madison: Write about a loyal friend

…

10.

You don't want to move, but your parents are dead and your cousin lives in Surrey.

You think you're supposed to be sadder about the fact that your parents are dead than the fact that you're moving but…

Mum cared more about her dresses and purses than she ever did about you, and Dad cared more about work.

They started leaving you home alone when you were six.

When they died, you hadn't seen either of them in a week. The police come to your door and you don't open it because you aren't supposed to open it for strangers and they go away, but then they come back.

"Piers Polkiss, this is the police," they say.

You don't understand why the police are here for you.

In the end, they convince you to open the door, and they tell you to pack up your things, and then you're being whisked off to live in Surrey.

Your cousin's name is Max. His boyfriend's name is Jeremy. They live together.

Your parents didn't talk about him a lot. All you know is that he's pretty much the only family you've got left. His parents were older, a lot older than yours. And then they were dead.

Max is twenty-three, which seems old to you, but Max laughs when you say this.

He and Jeremy live in a house that Max says used to belong to his parents. He shows you the bedroom that is now yours, and tells you that soon they'll get around to painting the walls some colour other than the bright pastel pink they are now.

You hope his words aren't like your mother's. She would say things, and you would hope, but she would never do them.

You look at Max and you think maybe he means it.

Two days later, your bedroom is a bright orange you picked out. Your blankets are grey and soft and Jeremy cooks real food for dinner some nights and you wonder why this is so different from your parents.

…

School starts and you look around carefully.

You know what it means to be the new kid. You know that you need to choose your friends wisely.

And then you see him.

It is the beginning of everything.

…

11.

At first, you are friends with him because you know he can protect you.

Your instincts were right. Dudley Dursley rules primary school, and he plans to rule secondary school just the same.

You think he can. He's strong, and you're fast, and together the two of you will show the rest of them who is boss.

But it grows from simple protection. Dudley is unfailingly loyal to you and the rest of his gang. He's not good at school, but he's clever when it comes to people. He knows how to hunt out someone's weak spot and prod at it until they break.

You hope to God he never tries to hunt out yours.

…

Max and Jeremy stop dating. You ask Max what happened, and he says that Jeremy needed to be alone for a while.

You wonder if it's your fault.

After all, it was always your fault when your Dad needed alone time. Except that he disappeared for a week at a time.

You look at Max's face and you don't think Jeremy is coming back.

...

12.

Some days, you feel like Dudley is brilliant, everything you want to be.

Other days, he makes you a little uncomfortable. He calls kids fairies and queers in a way that makes you want to never let him into your home, because Max is better than your parents ever were.

But… it's just Dudley messing around, right?

He doesn't really mean it.

Right?

Besides, Dudley is still beyond loyal to you and the rest of his gang. Gordon and Michael and Dennis would do anything Dudley asked, and that's what you want in friends, right?

You wind up cornered by a bay of lockers one day, cornered by a kid who thinks that because you are the smallest of Dudley's gang you will be the easiest to break.

Dudley finds you only minutes later, because nothing happens in this school without Dudley knowing about it.

The kid who cornered you winds up bruised and bleeding, head dripping with toilet water from a swirly.

You aren't sure you want to know the lengths Dudley will go to protect you.

Still, despite his methods, you find a shot of warmth traveling up your spine at the thought that you are worth protecting.

…

Max dates a few times but he doesn't introduce any of them to you, and you don't ask.

He looks sadder than he used to.

You try to bake a cake and instead Max comes home to the scent of burnt sugar and the smoke alarm sitting on the table, batteries out.

You shrug sheepishly.

You don't think about the fact that four years ago, you would have cringed instead.

Max looks from you to the charred baking pan and back.

"Oops?" you offer.

Max grins at you, and ducks forward, ruffling your hair.

"What do you say we get this cleaned up and then go out for ice cream instead?"

You grin back.

…

13.

Dudley gets bigger. And bigger. And bigger.

He doesn't lose his good cheer. He definitely doesn't lose his status.

If anything, the rest of the school is simply more afraid of him now.

Dennis starts dating some girl from another school and Gordon kisses some girl at a party and won't stop talking about it and Malcolm starts making comments about breasts even when that's not even what you're talking about and you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, because you don't want to date a girl. You don't really want to kiss a girl either. You just wants to stay with your mates and play video games.

Dudley doesn't say much about girls either.

Not until Malcolm's rambling on about some girl who might let him touch her breast and Dennis is saying they aren't as good as his girlfriend's and Dudley says, "Ah, just shut up already. Don't you talk about anything else?"

And Malcolm says, "What are you, gay?"

And Dudley's face does something weird that you can't describe and he says, "Fuck off, Malcolm, you dick."

"Not a no," says Malcolm.

"Fuck you, 'course I'm not," says Dudley. "Not a fucking fairy."

And you go a bit cold because you remember being eleven years old and coming home to Max and Jeremy on the couch and Max was crying and Jeremy was saying, "You know they only call you names because they don't understand."

And your cousin had pulled in a shaky breath and said, "I know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear." And later that day Max had come into your room while you were playing on your PlayStation and said, "Maybe we should talk about this."

You remember him telling you that people were dicks, mostly, but some people weren't.

You remember him telling you that people thought a man should love a woman and not another man and you didn't understand because Max and Jeremy were happy and why did it matter?

You remember him smiling at you and telling you that it didn't matter and to never forget that, but also to never, ever call anyone names for being gay. Not a fairy, not a shirt lifter, not a queer or a fag. Never.

You're thirteen years old and you know how words can hurt and you think about Dudley saying things that make your cousin cry and something inside of you hurts.

But he's Dudley.

So you don't say anything as Malcolm laughs and Dennis goes back to talking about his girlfriend's "fabulous tits" and "oh my god, look at her butt," laughing over pictures and making your cringe.

…

14.

You're pretty sure you're gay.

You haven't told anyone.

You don't know how.

Gordon had sex with some girl and he _won't stop talking about it_. He talks about it like it was amazing but you think it sounds awkward and kind of disgusting.

You know better than to say that around Malcolm, who has taken to calling people who say things he doesn't like fairies with a sneer on his face that makes you want to hide.

You can't forget about your cousin Max sitting on the couch crying.

You know how much damage a word can do.

So you don't say anything.

…

Max starts somewhat seriously dating this guy named Tom. Tom is nice enough to you when Max is around, but when Max leaves the two of you on the couch to go to the bathroom, he turns to you and says, "So what even is your deal?"

"My deal?" you ask. You are confused. His face is hard.

"Yeah. I mean, Max is supposed to be in the prime of his life, and you're just like… a hanger on? You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I…" You don't know what to say.

"Oh, grand. Are you retarded as well?"

His voice sounds like Dudley's when someone has tried to challenge him, hard and mean, aimed to hurt.

Only Dudley has never aimed that voice at _you_.

"Why don't you just fuck off and leave the adults to do their own thing? Max is a good lay, but he's not worth dealing with some snot nosed brat every time I want a nice hard fuck."

You bite your lip. You want to scream; something inside of you feels like it's being torn apart and you don't know how to explain it.

Max comes back, and he smiles at both of you and says, "What are you guys talking about?"

Tom smiles a him, soft and sweet but you can tell, because you're looking, that it doesn't meet his eyes. He says something, a misdirection that you don't really hear, and you are done.

You can't watch this.

You flee to your room.

…

You and Dudley and Malcolm and Gordon and Dennis, you fight the world with fists and words to make sure you come out on top. To make sure the world can never hurt you.

You don't know how to fight this, to fight Tom, who smiles at Max with sweetness and glares at you with ice.

You want to talk to Max about it except you don't know how; you can't make him choose between his boyfriend and the tagalong cousin he never asked to be responsible for.

So you say nothing.

…

15.

Dudley gets a girlfriend. It last less than a week. When Gordon asks, Dudley shrugs it off and says he has better things to do. Malcolm eyes him questioningly, but Dudley chooses that moment to wander down the stairs and nick something from his parents' liquor cabinet. After that, it doesn't matter much.

Dudley takes up boxing.

He throws himself into it with a fervor that you haven't seen since the last time someone decided you would make a good target, which was years ago.

Except that unlike with everything else Dudley takes on, it doesn't stop. It doesn't pass in just a phase.

Months slip by and Dudley's weight shifts. It moves into muscle mass as Dudley continues working out.

And you can't quite keep your eyes off of him.

You don't want this.

You don't want to want him.

He's your best friend and he torments gay people because he can and _you can't even tell him_. You can't even tell him you're gay, let alone…

But Dudley's always been fiercely loyal to you and some days it's just the two of you getting drunk on his bed and playing video games and it feels like it used to when you were ten years old and making friends with him for the first time.

You don't want to let that feeling go.

And so you can't tell him.

…

Tom disappears one day and never comes back. You ask Max about him, and Max turns to you and says, "Turns out he was a dick to one of my friends." He shrugs.

You tip your head. "And so you dumped him?"

Max grins. "Yeah, and his face was great." He shrugs again, just a bit. "My friends are more important than some dick."

You wonder if you should've told him.

You wonder if you should tell him about you.

But you can't bring yourself to say the words. Not even to Max, who wouldn't care.

…

16.

You need to stop thinking about your best friend and so you slip away from him and you make your way to a place you've only heard rumours about and never seen.

There's a gay bar downtown.

You know because you know Max has been there.

The first time you go, you let some guy buy you a beer and it calms your shaking hands just enough that you can smile at him. You talk, and he seems nice enough but when he asks you if you want to leave with him you say no, because you aren't ready.

He's nice about it, but disappointed; you can see it in his eyes.

The next time you go you wind up kissing a different guy on the dance floor, his hands roaming your skin. He's tall and slim and dark skinned and everything Dudley isn't, but his fingers leave trails like bright supernovas under your skin and his teeth dig into your lips just enough to make you see stars.

He asks you if you want to leave with him and you say no, but then he grins and says, "Well, would you like to accompany me to the bathroom then?"

His eyes are bright and his hands make you forget so many things so you follow him to the dingy bathroom where he pushes you into a stall and sinks to his knees.

When he's done, your knees are wobbly and you slide and wind up seated on the toilet. His grin is sharp and his lips at cherry red and you put your hand on him and it feels like a revelation.

He leaves.

You don't get his name.

You don't mind.

...

17.

Dudley comes to you, fists clenched and anger in his stance and he says, "We're moving."

You open the front door wider and stare at him in shock. He's wearing pajamas, sunglasses perched on top of his head. He looks like he just rolled out of bed.

"What?" Your voice goes somewhat shrill, higher than you mean it to.

"My family. We're moving."

You search his face for signs of mischief and find nothing but anger and something that looks like sadness.

"When?"

"Today," Dudley says.

Your eyes go wide.

You thought Dudley cared about you enough to tell you things like this. His loyalty to you has never faded.

At your shock, he shrugs. "I just found out."

"The hell?" you can't help but ask.

But Dudley has no explanation. He just disappears.

…

You don't want anyone to see you crying.

Except that Max is coming in to tell you that he's making himself a cheese toastie for lunch and asking if you want one and you're sitting in the middle of your bed trying to hold in tears and trying desperately to understand.

Either Dudley's parents are literally the weirdest parents ever (which… they're pretty weird, but not quite that weird) or Dudley just decided not to tell you.

You've never felt quite this betrayed before.

Max's face goes soft as he looks at you. "Oh, Piers," he says. "What happened?"

And somehow it all comes tumbling out. Dudley. Falling in love in a way he never meant to. Dudley disappearing.

Max sits on the side of your bed and puts a hand on your shoulder and says, "You know you never have to be ashamed of who you are."

You cry harder.

You don't understand why you're so upset. It was never going to matter, falling in love with Dudley. Dudley torments people like you.

Max bites his lip and says, "Love isn't rational."

You think about Max breaking up with Tom just because Tom didn't like his friends, and you think maybe Max's love is more rational than yours.

…

18.

Dudley comes back.

 _He comes back._

You weren't prepared for this.

But he shows up on your front doorstep and Max answers the door and stares at him, stunned, and then says, "What the hell?"

You hear it from the kitchen.

You move toward the front door, and you hear Dudley says, "I'm moving back."

Max pauses, and then says, "What, so you just leave for almost a year and then think you can show back up and—"

You interrupt them, tapping Max on the shoulder. They both turn to you.

Dudley stares at you.

You stare back at him.

A year away has only done good things for him. He's taller and leaner and it looks like he's been doing more than just boxing and…

You think he's beautiful.

You know you aren't supposed to.

He looks at you and he says, "I'm sorry."

And you don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "And… look. I've made a lot of mistakes. But I… I think my biggest mistake was with you."

"What?"

Dudley breathes deep and heavy.

"I've spent a lot of time thinking. I've had a lot of reasons to think. I thought… I thought I was losing everything and it made me think about what exactly I was losing. And I fucked up, okay. I fucked up over and over and over again because I was fucking scared, alright? I thought that was fear. I thought… but now I know what it is to be afraid and fuck it, I'm not scared of this anymore."

You don't know what's happening. Max has taken a step back and Dudley has taken a step forward and he's so close it aches.

"I love you," Dudley says.

You go still.

You don't… You can't comprehend what's happening. It feels like you've taken an arrow to the heart but maybe in a good way?

"I love you. And I was so fucking scared of it. So… well. I'm told it's called lashing out. I didn't want anyone to ever suspect… but I'm done. Okay? I'm done being scared of this. There are worse things out there to be scared of."

You still haven't stopped staring at him.

"Are you gonna say something?"

And for some reason that jars you out of your shock and you step forward and you reach out and you flick him on the forehead.

"Ow," he says.

"Ah. So this is real?" you ask.

"Of course it's real! What, do you dream about me?"

You shrug. "Some days."

Dudley blinks at you.

"Does that mean…"

"I love you, you dumbass," you say.

And then you kiss him, and it feels like you're the one coming home.

* * *

Love in Motion: dudleypiers

Auction Challenge: prompt: dudleypiers words: 3187

Film Festival: 16. Character - Bully

April Writing Month: 3187

Character Appreciation: Mischief / Disney: 9. Christopher Robin - Write about a character nervous about growing up. / Creature Feature: Harpy - (word) shrill and Unicorn - (dialogue) "You should be ashamed of yourself." / Amber's Attic: 21. I knew there were things I should never find beautiful. Like death. And girls. (5 bonus points) / Book Club: The Technical Boy:(action) making threats, (character) Dudley Dursley, (object) sunglasses / Lyric Alley: 11. But you disappear / AAA: 11. General Abilene - Word: Misdirection / Sophie's Shelf: Sleazy Politician: Write about a sleazy character. / Lo's Lowdown: Clint Barton: word: arrow. Alt. Write a Robin Hood!AU

Easter Bingo: 46. Lyric: "Oh, My, God. Look at her butt!" - Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot / Make an Easter Basket: Toys: write about someone being fake

Insane house: Action - Bullying


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